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I wish I could describe the feelings that have been mixed up inside of me. I wish I could express myself the way I really want to, but I know that I cannot.

It was a blur. It happened so fast. Does 18 months really go that quickly? Is it possible? I think the Lord put life in fast forward. This all seems so surreal. My mind is full of fragmented thoughts. I think I'm finally waking up from my dream and all I want to fall into a deeper sleep.

I'm at the edge of the cliff again. I remember being at the edge when I left for the MTC. I remember standing there and being completely terrified to leave for the mission field. I had no idea what was ahead of me. I had no idea what adventures and lessons I would learn. But I stood there and I looked back and then I jumped. Heavenly Father has definitely helped me to fly. He has been my guide as I learned to more fully listen to His promptings.

And, I am at the edge again. This time I'm coming back to the real world. I'm coming back home. I'm looking back here in New Jersey and the I'm beginning to look forward. I'm about to jump and now I know that Heavenly Father will help me fly once again. I'm jumping into the unknown. The security blanket of my nametag will be removed but I will still have the comfort and the guidance of the Holy Ghost. What new adventures await me? What lessons do I still have to learn? What lessons do I have to relearn again and again? The possibilities are endless. I feel like my life is about to truly begin. Everything prior to my mission was just preparation.

My mission has become the foundation for my eternity. For my salvation. I realize the importance of embracing the gospel and applying the principles and lessons I have learned while serving the Lord. The small things really do count. Reading my scriptures really does make a difference in my day. Saying my prayers really does draw me closer to Heavenly Father. Going to church does help increase my knowledge and bring comfort to certain trials that I may be facing. Attending the temple really does put an eternal perspective on life's purpose.

I almost feel like I'm being born again. Does that make sense? But this time I have all this knowledge under my belt that will allow me to live happily. I have a jumpstart on life!

This has been the best 18 months of my life and its been the hardest 18 months of my life. I have had such high self esteem and I have been to the very pit of depression. I've been loved, torn apart, squished, stretched, lifted, dropped, sick, healthy, and everything else...in one day. I've had superb days and I've had crummy depressing days and I loved every moment of them.

I'm sitting at this computer for the very last time in the Princeton library with so much to say and I can barely keep one thought in my mind at a time. I apologize for this e-mail as I know it is all over the place. I just want to convey that I have loved being a missionary for the Lord. For the one true church that is on the earth. I have cherished it and perhaps I should have cherished it more as the time is coming when I will have to remove my nametag. The thought sends my insides to jello.

I have done my best. I have served honorably and I probably could have served more valiantly, but I know the Lord is well pleased with the work I have done here in New Jersey. I now know more about the gospel of Jesus Christ and I know how to be a great member missionary. I know all about missionary work. I have Preach My Gospel to thank for that.

Yes, I am so excited to see you all. The thought that I will be in everyones arms brings a knot to my throat. I have missed you all so very much. But I am also torn inside to be leaving my home. Oh, if only I could have the wish of my heart and be in two places at once. I'm thankful that New Jersey isn't too far... I love this gospel. I love the plan of salvation. I love the comfort in knowing I will be able to see many of these people in the Celestial Kingdom. That my family can be forever. Our Heavenly Father really does love us! I love you. Everyone one of you.

God be with you till we meet again.

for the last time,Sister Ramirez